Are you finding communicating with your teenager somewhat… difficult? You are not alone. Understanding adolescent development and having some communication tips at hand will help you feel less frustrated and open up the lines of communication.

Adolescents are torn between wanting the support of their parents and wanting independence. Because adolescents want what they want and want it now - they do not realize that gaining independence is a process that takes time. In order to feel independent they often stop communicating with parents and look to their peers for friendship and support.

It is important for adolescents to communicate with their friends, however, it is just as important for us to keep the lines of communication open with our kids.

Here are some ways to open up the lines of communication with your teenager:

1. Listen – Listening is the most important skill for communication with everyone, and that includes your teenager. When we are frustrated, we often want our kids to understand our point of view. After working with families and adolescents for many years, and having two adolescent sons, I have learned that it is more important to listen to their point of view than tell them mine. When we listen to our kids with the same full attention we give a friend, they will know we care about them and are interested in them.

2. Be mindful of nonverbal communication. Body language, what our kids do not say, as well as their language tell us what is happening for them.

3. Consider the Importance of timing. Talking without the distractions of computers, TV, homework and cell phones will result in deeper communication. Talking at dinner time or before bed time can be effective as a way to let your adolescents know that you care about them and want to listen to them.

4. Avoid judgment. Although it may not seem like it, adolescents want our approval and will talk openly with us when they trust we will listen without judging what they tell us. It is so important to listen to the “whole story” before responding. When you disapprove, let your adolescents know you can work together to come to a decision about what to do.

5. Stay positive. Concentrate on giving feedback for positive behavior and ignore negative behavior as long as no one is hurt by it. Using “we” rather than “you” or “I”, makes communication inclusive and lets our teens know we are on the same side.

6. Compromise – Accepting the fact that our teens may have different interests, needs, and ideas and assuring them that we will support their interests will keep the lines of communication open. We may have excelled in sports and our teenager may love art.

7. Express unconditional love. By really listening to what our kids tell us, asking them questions, encouraging them and showing interest in them, teens will be much more likely to want to talk with us.

8. Appreciation – When we feel frustrated with our adolescents, it is a good idea to get in touch with what we love about them – to be mindful of their wonderful qualities such as being kind to their siblings, being a loyal friend, or helping others who are less fortunate.

9. Honesty - Apologizing when we make mistakes shows teenagers that it is okay to make mistakes and that we can learn from our mistakes.

10. Fun – Adolescence is a difficult time, a time when love and support are especially important. Do things together and have fun because soon your adolescent will be away from home and it will be especially important to have good communication.